ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
