As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
