Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
