the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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