I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
