I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
