That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
