i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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