I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
