Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
