Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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