Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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