my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
pray to the hookup gods
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
