tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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