if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
