I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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