I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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