I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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