I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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