final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
