She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I need a burrito and a hug.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
