He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
