just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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