Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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