I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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