Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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