Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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