Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
