peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
