they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
