I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
