We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize