I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
