Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
