Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
