I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again