Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit