I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
