Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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