So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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