Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
