Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
