do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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