She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
