i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
