Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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