They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
