I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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