The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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