Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
