In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
