Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize