When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
