Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
