Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
