I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
